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Post by Anya Jenkins on Jul 26, 2008 12:17:22 GMT -6
*Memory flash*
The bringers were everywhere, coming from every direction. Anya was overwhelmed, but she kept what Andrew had said in the back of her mind, kept thinking of those damn bunnies. They were getting stronger, faster she was struggling to keep up, to fight and try to keep the little dungeon master alive.
They had rushed him, and she had stopped them, leaving her own back open. She could feel the slice of the knife going through her skin, the pain that followed and then she fell.
She heard them as they were escaping, running for their lives. She heard Xander call out to her and she wished with everything she had she could call back, but she simply lacked the ability to do anything but lay there, motionless, pretty sure she should be dead from the blow, confused as to how she wasn't.
She heard D'Hoffryn's voice cackle in her mind and she understood. He hadn't taken her powers from her, hadn't made her human. He knew there was a possibility that she wouldn't make it through and like he said, why go for the kill when you could go for the pain.
She was going to be stuck like this forever, stuck in some sort of half dead/half alive situation, unable to move or talk. Stuck for life in Sunnydale High school, a fitting end if you caught the irony there.
Then she began to fall again...
*End Memory Flash*
Anya sits up in bed with a small cry, hand moving to her chest where she could feel the small scar on her stomach through her pajama shirt, her living reminder of what she had been through. She takes a deep breath and rises from her bed onto shaky legs, heading to the bathroom to splash some cold water on her face.
The nightmares had been haunting her since she had managed to escape. sometimes it was like this one, how she got herself trapped in the realm between earth and hell, other times she was back there, lying helpless, alone. There was no shaking them, that much she knew well, she had worked out a schedule involving very little sleep to aid her in the avoidance of these dreams.
She uses shakey hands, gently cupped to grab the water from the tap and bring it up to her face. The sudden cold on her warm perspiring face felt nice, shocking her back into reality, the memory of the dream fading every so slightly, but remaining in the back of her mind just enough so that she wouldn't forget it.
She turns the taps back off, the shaking subsiding now. She looks up into the mirror at her pale tired features. She looked like crap and she was very aware of it. Didn't seem to matter what she did, she always looked like crap.
She sighs and leaves the bathroom, heading through her bedroom and into the main living area, where she heads for a small comfortable chair in the corner near the window. She sits, crossing her legs and closing her eyes, taking a deep breath.
Meditation helped her sort her mind, and was something she never would have considered doing before now. Willow had suggested it, to help her ease back on things and though it may not take it all away or help her get it out of her head, it did help her sort through it all, find a somewhat calm in all the storm...at least for a little while.
The hardest thing to push out of her mind was the fact that they had all just left her there to die, taking that annoying little virgin's words that she had died, not even bothering to check for themselves, and they claimed to be her friends, her family. Xander had tried, called out her name at least, not taking into account that her voice could be disabled before running off in retreat with the rest of them.
Anger boiled inside of her, and she took a sharp breath, trying to push the thoughts out of her head, searching desperately for that calm center she needed so badly.
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Post by Xander Harris on Jul 27, 2008 4:55:09 GMT -6
OK so Xander hadn’t really been the best of boyfriends, heck let’s face it he outright sucked at times. He’d tried to make Anya happy but everytime he tried he failed, and on a major major major scale. He loved her with all he had and yet he had constantly and consistently screwed up, topping it all of with his little runaway groom fiasco.
He thought he had done the right thing then, but hel;l since when had he ever done the right thing? No sir Xander was just not cut out as relationship man. That’s what he thought until he had lost Anya for good, He still remembered when Dawn had dragged him out of the school, he wanted to find Anya so badly but he couldn’t see her. Couldn’t hear her. He still felt like an ass for leaving her there.
But thankfully he knew where she was, one of the upsides of being best friends with willow, she wasn’t one to let something this big stay quiet. She’d told him about her and Anya living in the same room. He knew he had to at least try to win Anya back, yes it’s cliché but it hurt him so much not to see her every day, not to be able to kiss her or hold her hand or anything they used to do together.
He had asked Will nicely… ok he bribed her with chocolate… to leave Anya in the apartment alone for a while, just so he could talk to her, try and get her back. OK so he might have gone a little over the top… hell a lot over the top. He’d bought flowers and was wearing his best clothes… as Willow once told him… well told Buffy who relayed it to him at a different time ‘love makes you do the wacky’. Even though they’d had their problems, and she’d done that whole death thing, he still loved her.
He walked down the hall and stood right outside her door “OK all I gotta do is knock, it’s not brain science… rocket surgery… crap” he muttered to himself, why was knocking on the door so difficult. It was probably his fear of rejection, maybe Anya was still ticked at him, she had every right to be. Of course that gave him every right to try extra doubly hard to get her back.
He took a deep breath, gotta be calm, gotta be calm. He lifted his nervous trembling hand and knocked loudly on the door, god he hoped it didn’t get slammed in his face, that’d probably hurt. Strike that. It WOULD hurt.
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Post by Anya Jenkins on Jul 27, 2008 13:47:16 GMT -6
Anya had just managed clear her mind of all the angry thoughts and resentments enough to begin her meditation when a knock at the door caused her to once again loose her concentration. She grumbles and closes her eyes, resolving that if she ignored it, they may think no one is here and go away.
Not many people knew that she had been staying with Willow, and she intended to keep it that way. She hadn't wanted anything to do with any of them, Willow included but after her return, the red headed witch had offered her abode, offered Anya answers to what had happened to her, and lastly offered her ways she could go about getting back to some sense of normalcy...as normal as Anya could be.
~I'm the witch's pet project~ she thought to herself ~She's keeping an eye on me to make sure I don't snap and kill everyone...I never should have told her and Buffy that I was still a demon.~
~Damnit.~ she thought, knowing there was no way she was going to be able to get her focus back again. She sighs and rises from her seat, deciding that maybe she should just answer the stupid door. Willow could have forgotten her keys -Again- or there could be a fire or something equally awful that would make them have to vacate the hotel and if she was left behind this time it would be her own damn fault for ignoring the knock.
Of course the third option, that she was just being ridiculous and paranoid sprang to mind as well but, she attempted to shove those thoughts away the best she could, filing them with the nightmares in the very back of her mind.
She crosses the apartment and heads for the door, opening the door, her breath catching in her throat as she saw who stood there. "Xander?" she asks, a confused look crossing her features for a minute before her newly befriended scowl replaces it. "Willow isn't here. She had some witchy thing to do, come back later."
She closes the door, taking a deep breath. She hated seeing him, and it was something that happened more often then she wished for. For a large hotel, this place was fairly small, or maybe it just felt that way. In any case, she didn't like running into Xander because it always made her heart feel this kind of pangy feeling that hurt alot. And then it would do things like beat really fast and make her all sweaty and nervous...all the tings that used to happen when she was around him, when she saw him, when he would wrap his strong arms around her.
She takes a breath and walks away from the door, deciding she needed a beer...badly.
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Post by Xander Harris on Jul 27, 2008 14:58:29 GMT -6
Xander was nervous, the door was taking seemingly forever to open. Why wouldn’t it open? Maybe Willow had been having a joke with him, it was to cruel. He really hoped and hell he even prayed that Anya was there, he needed to see her, even for a second, then he’d be happy.
The second the door open he smiled, there she was, all nice and neatly walking. God even after she had died she still looked gorgeous. He was about to speak, about to beg her for a 5 minute chance to talk when he got to meet his old friend the door.
But he wasn’t going to give up, not by a long shot, he was stubborn and had to talk to Anya, there was no second choice. He knocked again, louder and harder “Come on Ahn, I need to talk to you” he yelled through the door. He had to get inside “At least let me come in to give you your present” he yelled, then realized one tiny detail “The nice G rated present, not the other kind of present”
He stood there hoping the door would open, he’d stand there all night until it did so he could walk in and talk to Anya, he just had to. Like a dog with a freaking bone. “Anya, come on. Please? You know I’m just gonna stand out here till you do, I’m still as stubborn as I was before” he said, then thought of a way to wear her down.
He started singing ’99 bottles of beer on the wall’ that old classic bus song. He knew it well and would stand there making sure Anya heard it until she opened the door and let him in. He wasn’t about to let the one woman he’d loved more than anything get away, not again.
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Post by Anya Jenkins on Jul 27, 2008 17:10:33 GMT -6
Anya sighs as she hears Xander's cries for her attention. Part of her knew damn well that he hadn't come there to see Willow, especially not dressed in his best clothes and holding flowers. She didn't want to deal with Xander romantically...despite the aggressive craving to 'deal' with him directly for one afternoon.
That would not lead to anything good and she knew that, it had been the same idea she had when she first started to feel these weird pangy, sweaty, nervous feelings about him and look how that had ended for her. Sure it was good for a while there but in the end, she ended up heartbroken, alone and left for dead. She already had enough nightmares, she really didn't want to add to them.
However, for some strange uncontrollable reason, she found herself moving back to the door and opening it, to see Xander still standing there like he said he would be, singing that alcoholic song with the bottles.
She sighs and leans against the door frame, resisting the urge to grab him, yank him into the apartment and have her way with him. "If you came here for the reasons I think you came here Xander it's...it won't work." Her heart was breaking just drudging it all up again, with each word it felt like a tiny dagger was being pushed into her heart.
"We had this talk remember? On the couch after that stupid little virgin's interview thing. We had a thing once and it was...really great but it wasn't meant to last. You can't commit and I..." she looks down at the ground "I can't get hurt again...who knows what will happen if I do I'm already going through way to much to have this all added back onto it."
She looks back up into those sweet, adorable slightly beady brown eyes of his, her voice nothing but a soft whisper now. "I'm sorry..."
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Post by Xander Harris on Jul 27, 2008 17:38:33 GMT -6
Xander sang his song as loud as he could, he needed to get Anya to open that door, he was like a druggie, he needed his fix of Anya… ok that sounded way more romantic in my head but heck, who care’s? The second the door opened he smiled, another hit of Anya. “OK Ahn, I promise no sex stuff. I won’t even bend over to pick something up if I drop it to make sure we don’t get all tempted” he said, trying to be jovial when inside he was filled with pain.
He wanted to run in there, lock the door and kiss Anya till they both fell to the bed and did things that you could get arrested for in the 70’s, but he knew Anya wouldn’t let him, he knew he had hurt her really bad, he just wanted to make it right. He heard her whimpered sorry and smiled at her “Don’t be a dope. Yeah that annoying virgin did kinda screw with us, and not in the un-virginifying way. I know I was… hell still am an idiot. And yeah I wasn’t ready to commit, probably won’t be for a little while either. But I know that when I am ready to make that walk whenever that is I know who I want it to be with”
He was laying it out right then and there, he knew he wasn’t ready for the whole marriage thing, but he missed the whole dating thing more than anything, he just had to hope she’d give him that second shance "Ahn, I did a lot of stupid things, and every one of them that hurt you I wish I could take back. Heck you know a few vengency demons, anyone of them able to make that wish work?” he asked, he was again trying to be silly but he knew it wasn’t gonna work.
“Ahn, You know I still love you right? Cos I do, and I never stopped. Heck I even still remembered what flowers you like, see” he said, handing over the flowers, hoping that mild bribery would get him over the threshold. “Can I come in? Just for a minute. Let me throw myself on the mercy of the court and then if you want me to I’ll go, but only if you want me to Ahn” he said, he couldn’t cope with the thought of another rejection, he wanted to make things the way they where, he just wanted to have Anya back in his arms, nothing else.
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Post by Anya Jenkins on Jul 27, 2008 18:42:28 GMT -6
Anya found herself struggling to hold back the tears. He was so sweet...she remembered that much about him , he was always so sweet to her. She shook it off no, it was wrong it was bad it wouldn't work she knew that, she shouldn't even be considering doing what she was considering doing...
She moves away from the door to let him in, resolving that it was better to air their dirty laundry in a less public hallway setting. Once he was in and the door was closed, she spoke again.
"What is the point Xander?" she asks defensively "You're not ready to commit, you won't be for a while maybe not ever so what is the point? A few orgasms? Yeah ok that's all in good fun I am very fond of them but we will just be kidding ourselves and I can't go through that again."
She turns away from him, tossing the flowers onto the kitchen counter area, finding herself unable to look him in the eye. Inviting him into the apartment was a bad idea, it was only making the temptation that much worse. He didn't need to bend over or do anything sexy to make the temptation show up, all he had to do was stand there and continue to give her those puppy dog eyes of his and she was ready to strip him down and...
She takes a deep breath. No, bad Anya...he's not good for you there will be no having with Xander no sex no orgasms...She takes a breath and turns back to him, speaking again.
"I love you too Xander but we both agreed it wasn't enough...both of us are just looking for different..things you have your...and I have all this stuff I'm trying to.." she sighs for the millionth time in that conversation.
"Oh screw it." she grabs him and kisses him passionately
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Post by Xander Harris on Jul 27, 2008 19:09:41 GMT -6
Xander walked in when Anya moved aside, he’d gotten in so there was step one done. But now the bigger problem of making Anya like him again. He knew that part would be a toughy but he was up to the challenge. He watched as she closed the door, now they where alone, in her room, ok so this had potential.
He listened but didn’t get angry, she was right of course but he didn’t want to admit it either “I just want things to be like when we where dating, you know the talking and the walking and the… well ok the orgasms. We where happy that way weren’t we?” he said as she put the flowers on the counter. OK so much for the not tempting. Now that it was just the two of them alone in private everything was tempting.
Luckily for Xander the temptation thing seemed mutual as Anya grabbed him and kissed him. Those lips felt so familiar, he’d missed them more than anything. He wrapped his arms around Anya, he knew that this was probably going to have to stop soon, for either air or when Anya pushed him away so he intended to make sure that he showed her that he meant every word he’d said.
He kissed her passionately yet sweetly, his lips fell into their old pattern of kissing Anya, but there was something extra there, he’d missed her more and more each day and had a lot of time to make up for. He put everything into that kiss, wanting to prove to Anya how much she meant to him, how much she would always mean to him.
He got a few words out, but not many, mostly cos he was to happy kissing Anya and anything that wasn’t her kisses seemed… well pointless “Missed…you…so…much” he said in between the passionate kisses, he didn’t know what would happen but as long as he got more of those kisses he’d go along with it.
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Post by Anya Jenkins on Jul 27, 2008 23:39:46 GMT -6
"I...missed you..." too she replies, continuing to kiss him, ignoring the loud voice screaming in her head for her to stop. His kisses were like a drug, pulling her in, intoxicating, addictive. She couldn't stop now, there was no way she could get herself to pull away, no matter how wrong it was, how much she knew she shouldn't do it.
She pulls away from him slightly, enough to pull her shirt up over her head before her lips return to his own, hands now grabbing at his shirt, finding herself unable to remember if it was a t-shirt or a button up.
What was she doing? Sure this was Xander but....he left her. At the alter, at the high school, he didn't want to be with her, he didn't want her around, all he wanted were her fun and interesting ways to get him to happy town. Was that all this was? No, there was no way. She knew Xander, and yes he did have a fond affection for sex -especially sex with her- there was no way he was lying here. He loved her, he wanted to be with her...
She pulls away to catch her breath, and pull his shirt up over his head, tossing it on the floor with her own, before once again finding herself pulled back to those lips of his, her hands running over his smooth muscular chest.
"I...I love you Xander..." she whispers
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Post by Xander Harris on Jul 28, 2008 3:01:26 GMT -6
He smiled as he kissed Anya, she had missed him, it felt good to have been missed. He held her as tight as he dared, he didn’t want to hurt her again but at the same time he didn’t want to lose her again. He knew that this was speedy and fast, but he knew Anya better than he knew anyone and he knew that she wouldn’t be kissing him like she was right now if she didn’t want this relationship to work as badly as he did.
He didn’t get upset when she pulled away, especially when he saw why. He held her now topless body close, he’d missed that. His hands roamed her back lightly, he just wanted this kiss to last till forever ended. Was that to much to ask?
He had screwed up so much with Anya, the wedding thing was probably just the tip of the bad stuff he’d done iceburg, but even though he didn’t deserve her he loved Anya more than anything else, it wasn’t want, it was need. He needed to have Anya. And not just the sex (Not that he didn’t love the sex), he needed the simpler stuff that they did, even something small like sitting together on the couch in each others arms watching a silly movie and kissing or having a nice take out dinner for two by candlelight, he needed it all, but mostly he just needed Anya, he loved her.
He didn’t fight her when she took his shirt away, he never fought Anya when it came to the sex stuff, he held her close, feeling her skin against his. He held on tight to her as he kissed her, he didn’t care if they had sex, just let that kiss keep going.
“I love you too” he whispered back, then pulled away to look into her eyes “Anya, wanna go to bed?” he asked softly, no innuendo in his voice or nthing, he just wanted to hold her all night, and it’d be easier to do that in the comfort of a bed rather than standing in the middle of her loungeroom where anyone could see them. ‘Sorry folks, Anya’s for my eye only’ Xander thought as he hugged Anya tight, waiting for her to lead on.
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Post by Anya Jenkins on Jul 28, 2008 16:46:58 GMT -6
Anya pulls away again to grin and nod at his question, taking him by the hand and moving back toward her bedroom with Xander now in tow still feeling like something else was controlling her body, her brain still screaming at her to stop this right now before it went too far and thing ended up going back to that dark unhappy hole she had fallen into after he had left her the first time...or worse, back to the hole she had fallen in when the Hellmouth had collapsed.
She pulls him into her bedroom, pulling him back close to her and kissing him again, passionate but quick, before pushing him onto his back on her bed. She grins at him, jumping onto the bed and straddling him, leaning down to continue their kiss once more as her fingers work oh his pants button. She moves her freehand back up his chest again, scratching him slightly with her nails, and just as she was about to pull away again to catch her breath/say something sexy, the migraine hit.
*MEMORY FLASH 1*
She lay motionless on the floor of the high school, her mind screaming for help, screaming in pain and finding no relief, the tumbling into blackness, every bump and bang she felt in tenfold, every nerve ending in her body screaming in pain all at once. Had she been human, she would have died of fright...then again, had she been human, she would already be dead from her wounds.
*FLASH 2*
Lying there, she can hear screams around her, she could feel the heat but all she could see were shadows. There was a rock in her back, she could feel it poking it's way up into her slice wound...
She wiggles -discovering only weeks ago that she could wiggle, and cry out now..not that it did much- to get the rock out of her back, screaming in pain, her voice echoing in the darkness before becoming washed up and drowned in the rest. She manages to flip herself onto her stomach now, closing her mouth and biting her tongue to keep the pain at bay. The only thought that she could muster through the pain and the confusion was ~How could they do this to me?~
*END FLASH*
~How could they do this to me?~ the thought echoes in her brain, lingering from the memories.
She pulls away from Xander in one quick movement, rolling off of him, gripping her head trying to push the memories back into their little crawlspace, trying to shut them away so she could at least have this one moment...
She falls off the bed and onto the floor and barely even feels it. She couldn't shut them out, they were there and they didn't seem like they were going anywhere. She curls up into the fetal position and squeezes her eyes shut, small tears falling out of the corner of her eyelids as she begins to rock back and forth, giving up and just letting the memories consume her.
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Post by Xander Harris on Jul 29, 2008 1:17:38 GMT -6
Xander smiled and followed Anya, he’d follow her wherever she led him. He’d been so lost without her, every day that he didn’t see her was like hell. He’d been so beyond to bad places, he’d been so sad and lost without Anya, he hadn’t even tried to date after she died, or almost died, or died and came back… he’d have to find that detail later. Right now he was to busy following Anya into her bedroom.
He smiled as she kissed him, a smile that grew as she pushed him onto the bed, that was his Anya, always clear and right to the point. It was the thing he loved most about her… well that and her smile, damn that was a good smile. He looked at that smile as she straddled him, he couldn’t believe it, he might actually have his Anya back… it was definitely a happy moment. He smiled more and more as she kissed him, he’d need a grinectomy come the morning. He put his arms loosely around her and moaned just a little as he felt her fingers unbutton his pants, which then turned into a little louder moan as he felt the nails. It didn’t hurt much, it was a good hurt. He smiled at her, the smile turned to a frown when she looked like she was in pain
He sat up instantly when she rolled off of him and gasped as she fell to the floor. He had no idea what was wrong, but it didn’t matter, all he knew was that Anya was in pain, he’d caused he enough of that to know what it looked like when she was hurting, he couldn’t sit idly by and let her go through the pain alone.
He got off of the bed quickly and crouched down beside her. He could see the teqars in her eyes and it was a sight he hated, he’d put a lot of those tears in her eyes, he wanted to try and stop these ones. He wrapped his arms around her and rocked along side her. He stroked her arm, trying to be comforting. “It’s OK Ahn, Xander’s here, I’m not gonna let this hurt. You just let it out Ahn. I’m not going anywhere” he said softly as he rocked beside her. He wanted his happy Anya back, he hated seeing Anya cry, it sucked.
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Post by Anya Jenkins on Aug 1, 2008 0:15:22 GMT -6
Anya twitched when Xander touched her, shuddering as he pulled her close, thoughts and aggressions rising in her as the memories continued to flash over her mind.
He had left her there, he could have looked for her better, so what if all of Sunnydale was coming down around him, if he REALLY cared about her he would have risked himself to find her, instead of running off behind his precious Buffy.
She lets a low growl and shoves him off of her, half crab walking to the nearest corner, next to her nightstand, pulling her knees up to her chest and resting her head in between them, once again squeezing her eyes shut and rocking slightly.
"Go away Xander..." she growls at him "Just leave me alone I don't want you here...go get out get out now!" tears stream down her face now as memories continue to flood her mind. Not just memories of being trapped in purgatory, but memories of the old days as well.
She vividly remembered meeting Xander for the first time, standing watching him from afar with Cordelia, trying to come up with the perfect punishment for him. She remembered the prom, how she had practically begged him to go with her, the first time they had sex...in his dark dank basement. The bad memories flooded in also, the fights, the stress, standing waiting for him at their wedding, spotting him sneaking out the front doors....
"I mean it Xander just get out of here." she says, her tone softening now, but spoken through gritted teeth, her head feeling like it was about to explode, the endless tears forming little pools on her jeans as she rests her head back on her knees, avoiding eye contact, trying to do as Willow had instructed, find her center, push the thoughts away...calm, cool, collected....
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Post by Xander Harris on Aug 1, 2008 5:09:03 GMT -6
Xander backed off the instant Anya shuddered, he wondered if she was cold, maybe she needed a blanket, that Xander could get easily, and he wouldn’t have to go that far to get it or her.
He hated the fact that he had left her in that building, every day he hated himself for it. He hated that Dawn had dragged him out, telling him to go and dragging him away, damn she was a strong girl when she wanted to be. Every day he wondered what would of happened if he’d of run back inside when dawn let go, he still wished that he had.
He fell backwards when she shoved him, and not a playful shove like before. This one was a bad shove, he started to get his bearings quickly and got ready to crawl back to her when she growled at him, and not a nice sexy ‘come hither’ growl either.
Go away? She wanted him to go away, had the word gone topsy turvey? He sat the gobsmacked, scared and above all else upset, upset that the woman he loved and who moments ago said that she loved him wanted him to go. He was confused, he’d gone away before and it hurt her now she was telling him to? That didn’t sit well with Xander at all.
He wasn’t angry and he wasn’t even annoyed, he was scared, scared that he’d lose Anya again, and this was not going to happen. Xander did his pant’s up, he would have put his shirt back on but it was outside. He walked over to the side table and grabbed a box of tissues. He wasn’t going without a fight.
He carried the tissue over to Anya, he hated seeing her cry and right now he knew he’d put those tears right there. He new she’d probably hit him, and he knew it’d probably hurt but he’d gone through worse with less on the line but now everything was on the line, at least everything that mattered to him. He pulled out a single tissue and reached out to Anya, he carefully wiped the tears on her cheek “No Ahn” he said softly, “I’m not going anywhere, I’ve run away from you way to much. Not anymore. Ahn I’ve never ever felt anything even close to how much I love you. Everything about you makes me happy, from your amazing smile to your brutal and honest honesty. When I thought I’d lost you, god I died a little… hell ask Will, I was a wreck, I cried so much over losing you and you know I’m not exactly the big crier”
He sat down on the floor in front of her, putting the box of tissues between them in case it was needed “Ahn, I can’t ever apologise enough for leaving you in that place, I tried so hard to find you, if Dawn hadn’t dragged me out I would have kept on looking till I either found you or had a beam fall on my head, either would have done cos I would have been with you either way… OK I’m becoming way movie of the week here aren’t I?” he said with a single giggle at how sappy he had gotten. He reached out to Anya, he wanted to hold her hand “Ahn, if you want me to go right now then you have to promise me one thing, you gotta promise it or I won’t go, and you know I’m stubborn when I want to be. If I leave this room right now you gotta go on a date with me, a dinner date where we get dressed up and I pay for a nice meal. I want you back in my life and this time I promise I’ll do everything right”
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Post by Anya Jenkins on Aug 3, 2008 13:08:00 GMT -6
Anya twitched a little as he reached out to her, as he wiped away her tears, apologized for what he had done but it all fell on empty ears. If she had opened her eyes, she would have seen him there, mouth flapping open and shut as he spoke but she wouldn't have heard him. The screams of a million trapped souls rang through her ears now, the pain of laying there uncomfortably on rocks and stones, sliced cleanly in half by the bringers knife....she was lost, and she feared not even Xander could bring her back. She opened her eyes and found she was right, there was his mouth moving, words coming out but she couldn't make out what they were until... Ahn, I can’t ever apologize enough for leaving you in that place, I tried so hard to find you, if Dawn hadn’t dragged me out I would have kept on looking till I either found you or had a beam fall on my head, either would have done cos I would have been with you either way…” She closes her eyes again, squeezing them tight, burying them in her knees trying to fight off the feelings that were rising now as he blubbered on about a date...until she couldn't hold it in anymore. "But you didn't!" she screams at him "You didn't come back for me Xander, none of you did you just...left me there to die and rot only I didn't do ether!" She rises, anger boiling inside of her now, lunging out to grab him by the throat and slam him against the far wall. "Thats not 'love' your feeling right now Xander Harris it's guilt. You feel guilty for leaving me there, for thinking I was dead, for me spending all those years in that place..." she squeezes a little tighter "I'm not some pity party Xander, I am a demon I don't need to be some charity case for a one eyed carpenter and his band of super hero friends...I'm better than that."
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