Reflections Of The Past

[Xander Harris]

Xander was shocked as Anya yelled, he hadn’t seen her this angry ever. But he wasn’t going anywhere, he had to make her see how he felt about her. When she grasped his throat he gasped for air, she was strong, demony strong. At least now he knew how this happened so there was a plus, but damn it hurt to breathe. He felt the hard wall against his back and felt fear, he was terrified that Anya was going to kill him, freaking petrified.

He panted from fear but his eye never left Anya “I tried Anya, I tried so bad. You’ve seen Buffy fight, you know I couldn’t fight her and I begged her to turn the bus around so I could come get you. I wanted to find you, I wanted to be with you. But Buffy insisted we run and the one time I tried to run back to find you she nearly tore my arm off” He wanted to tell Anya everything, he’d been though hell since he lost her and he didn’t want to go back “I begged Willow to find a revivication spell or something to bring you back to me, but we couldn’t find one and damn did we look”

“It’s not guilt An, It’s love. Hell D’hofferyn told you, remember? ‘the boy see’s with the eye’s of love’? Ahn I still love you, that why I feel so guilty for leaving you there. But I didn’t have a choice, If I did I would have been fighting beside you instead of Andrew, I would have stayed there while the whole damn school fell down. I would have died for you and I still will” He let a tear fall from his eye, god he wanted this to be the way it was before, he never ever in his life loved anyone more than he loved Anya, he’d die if he didn’t have her back

“You aren’t a charity case Ahn, never have been. You’re Anya, the amazing woman who went to prom with me, who came into my basement and had sex with me without even blinking, something that I kinda expected. You wore a bunny suit to Halloween just to spend time with me, god that alone shows me how much you cared. You spent time with me and made me feel wanted Ahn, I love you and if you think you being a demon’s gonna stop that then you’re wrong. What do I have to do to prove it to you Ahn? Tell me what I have to do to prove that I love you, name it and I’ll do it. All I want is you back in my life can’t you see that?” he pleaded.

[Anya Jenkins]

His words were getting to her, try as she might to shut them out, to let the memories and torments take control, it was no use. The bad images, the pain the suffering were replaced with other images as he spoke.

Asking him to the prom, dancing...feeling a good kind of weird, something she hadn't felt before even when she had been human...propositioning him in the basement, practically jumping him...

"No no no no..." she says, confused and lost now, barely even recognizing that Xander was in the room, much less in her grasp by his throat.

It was all coming too fast, memories, moments between her and Xander the other memories not wanting to quit, a battle to be at the front of her brain. She drops Xander, unable to do much of anything else with the battle raging on in her head.

She stumbles back, finding herself struggling to even remain in an upright position. She teetered and wobbled as she attempts to turn and get back to her cowering corner but instead a spark in her brain finally goes off and she finds herself beginning to black out as she falls to the floor.

"Xander..." she half whispers, half moans just before she is confined to her blackness.

Was this the end for her?

[Xander Harris]

When he felt Anya’s hand loose it’s grip he fell back against the wall, breathing deeply trying to get that precious oxygen back into his lungs. He was in shock, he thought he’d be dead by now, but he wasn’t, that meant she had to still care about him, why else would he still be alive.

He watched in horror as she fell to the floor “ANYA!” he yelled, running to her side, he heard her say his name. It brought tears to his eye. He watched as her eyes closed. “Nonononono NO!” he said panicky. He couldn’t lose her again, he’d kill himself if he did, she was his reason to live, he’d gotten her back, he wasn’t going to let her go out without a fight.

He carefully lifted her up and held her head to his chest, his tears fell from his chin, landing on her hair “Come on Ahn, you can’t… you can’t do this. I lost you twice in my life, I’m not doing it a third time” he sobbed, he was never a really big crier, so for him to be crying this badly he was really distraught. He might lose the one woman who ever had made him feel special, who he’d loved and still did.

He brushed the hair away from her face, he wanted to see it when her eye’s opened, they had to, they just had to. “Come on Ahn, You’re stronger than this, I know it. You’ve lived for over 1000 years, you’ve died sure but you came back, you’re the strongest woman I know. You can’t die like this” he was terrified now, he needed her, he’d die without her, his heart wouldn’t take another loss of Anya.

He leaned forward to her ear, he hoped she could hear him “I love you Ahn, I always will” he said before giving her a soft loving kiss on the lips, if he was going to lose her, which would cause him to get more depressed than he’d ever gotten, then he was going to make sure that the last thing they ever did together was kiss. “Please…. Please come back to me” he buried his face in her shoulder, he was acting like a child, but he felt like one, he was about as powerless as a child at the moment. Hell a child would probably be able to handle this better, but Xander never really was good at hiding what he thought.